pleasure is your responsibility
Raised by conservative Cuban and Dominican parents, my exposure to sex was being shown two pictures of a fortress - one with raised gates and one with a moat (I was strongly encouraged to be a closed fortress). I knew that wasn’t the whole story so I became curious about all aspects of sex.
I moved to New York City from Miami at 17 with $7. I did the banking thing and spent 15 uninspired years investigating financial crime. After an embarrassing encounter with an organizing professional, I founded House of Plume, an intimate lifestyle brand that creates storage products for sex toys. I longed for community in a socially ostracizing industry so I co-founded the Women of Sex Tech.
I got tired of being tired.
Though I was in a business that’s all about bringing pleasure to others, I wasn’t creating it for myself. I was slugging through the day and mad about it. One day, I wrote in my journal ‘I am tired of life being tired.’ I focused on what I did have, instead of what I didn’t. I took long baths, slowly inhaled the jasmine scent of my candles, or popped bubble wrap. For awhile, it took concerted effort because I felt I didn’t deserve it.
After consistent action, I made pleasure a habit.
No, I don’t sit around all day fanning myself and eating grapes. I slow down, even if it’s for a few minutes, to do something for my pure enjoyment - masturbating, coloring, going for a walk. It’s different than taking a break because I earned it. It’s honoring what I think the purpose of life is: to enjoy it!
Here’s what was remarkable.
Life shifted. I got authentic and not just honest - I went grey after years of dying. I stepped into discomfort. I attracted men that were outside of my type of successfully, charming and hopelessly unavailable. I got creative and brave. Hurt and disappointment happen and don’t resist them as much. Better yet, they became my greatest teachers.
Photography by Pavan Carter