As a child, my favorite word was ‘Why?’ I read encyclopedias for FUN. I wanted to be an archaeologist like Indiana Jones, on an endless discovery for truth and adventure. (I learned archeologists spend a lot of their time doing research, writing academic papers and that was the end of that.) 

I studied finance, worked in banking for over 20 years. Fall in love. Fell out of love. Created a beautiful product in the sex toy space and became one of the black women in the industry. Invested $100K+ into its success. Failed. Centered men who didn’t deserve to be centered.

Much like a low grade, I was depressed and didn’t know it. 

My willingness to dig into the well of my experience for answers saved me.

I’ve asked ‘How did I get here?’ at ashrams, on mountaintops, during 10 day silent meditation retreats.  Different modalities and teachers, but the same flawed approach. I was rudderless, screaming, “Please, dear teacher, workshop, coaching program, allow me to subjugate my own wisdom and fix me.”

I’ve been a student of personal development for 20 years and I had always felt something was missing.

Several years and thousands of dollars later, I would be smarter, had better tools, but still dissatisfied. No matter the mentor, the teacher, the discipline, the practice, something was always invariably incomplete.  

I couldn’t name it, but something wasn’t there that would be present for others I’d participated with.  I would move on the next modality, hoping it was there, and be left with the same feeling when it wasn’t.

Prioritizing thought work over our unique lived experiences doesn’t address the impact of systems that we are born affecting our thoughts, like white supremacy and colonialism. 

You are trapped unless you take your body along. 

Two things happened and I could no longer ignore my lived experience: my father died, which changed me in an instant and I started writing a memoir. 

I wanted to know why I did certain things, like why I can get very calm when I sense danger, why I just couldn’t just meet my goals already. I wanted to know why when I visited my childhood home in Washington Heights did I get instantly sad.    

I accepted my body’s wisdom through nervous system regulation.

I took a swan dive into Polyvagal Theory, which was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, a neuroscientist and psychologist. I completed Foundations of Polyvagal Informed Practice Clinical Training Series under Deb Dana, a clinician specializing in working with complex trauma and the leading translator of Dr. Porges’ scientific work.

In simple terms, Polyvagal Theory helps us understand how our body and brain work together to respond to stressors that are a part of everyday life as well as experiences that are more significant, such as trauma. (Source: Polyvagal Institute)

The key to your liberation lies in the lived experience of your body.

By discovering the states of my nervous system, I’ve stopped overriding discomfort by creating and honoring boundaries.  I’ve learned what is hard is not difficult because it’s new, but because it’s very familiar.  I’ve learned overriding the needs of my nervous system creates chaos and burnout.